Sorry Donovan and Fred. I warned ya that you might appear for half a second... well maybe 1/4 second.


The voiceover guy (and neighbor) for The Cho Show spots may have just got me a super cheap, rent-stabilized, kind of large apartment a block away, so I can't complain.

So I'm back from almost a month in California doing two film shoots in SF and LA, seeing my ill (not ill, really, old) father, and having bits of vacation here and there and wedged in between. And I'm an Athiest. Not that those are directly connected. I mean one came before the other, but I feel more like it's all coming to a head... California and non-god and all that. Not that I'm fundamentalist about it – the whole Hitchens thing is just as caustic and exhausting to me as the dogma I grew up in.

Just that when you think of non-god, you're left with death, sitting there in your hands. And when you really start wrapping your head around death as your new responsibility, then you begin to realize that you're stuck in time. There's an end, and with that a nothingness, and all of that past serendipity you imagined appearing from the holy ether becomes drive and vision, luck and hard work. And you. So then, when you're visiting your father and watching him sink from lung problems to memory problems to full blown dementia in the space of two weeks, when you realize that your work/vacation month in SF and LA has somehow become a reunion with every unavailable/boyfriended/just-not-that-fucking-attracted-to-you guy you've ever been hopelessly, unhealthily in love with, you start to come face to face with the fact that this is all yours. The past is mostly your fault, your bad decisions, and the futures could be just as much yours (me and my brother took turns trying to talk the other out of believing my father's morbidly solitary finish to his life was a premonition of what's to come) – but then so too all the good. And coming back to San Francisco, which you left so long ago with hopes in tow, your return on a chariot (well a 15 person pass van and let's be honest, HD, not 35mm) isn't god-luck either but it's a real culmination of something, and because you're still shocked you've even gotten this far, the success feels palpable. Between that and the book months from being ready to shop to agents... it's overwhelming that all of that, all at once, is you.

It also means that true, black, nothing death could be around every corner, which means no regrets. No settling, no stopping, no oozing into comfort and then wondering how a decade disappeared between the fingers. Lamenting what would have happened had you taken that risk and given up a little of your pride or status quo or nobility and just got fucking hurt more often. Shamefully hurt, real hurt, not the slow-burn of pre-determined failure you've been addicted to all this time.

And to be more vague, I guess, or less vague, I just can't help but think of everything in terms of the end. Which sounds morbid, but really, it's freeing. Because it's all in my hands now, and with a ticking clock on the time I've got here, then it just makes me more adamant that I can't leave things unsaid, or goals undone, and that it really is better to have tried and failed than to have never tried at all (I can't believe I'm saying that, believing it, sort-of kind-of loving it). No settling, never again.

You can imagine this is making dating a little hard.

Also, no more having sex with guys who have boyfriends.

So basically, celibacy.

Okay, the real reason I was on a Segway:


and:


I think they're on the air right now. I'm really proud of how they came out, actually... and this has been the second shoot I've done that's been a downright lovely experience. Now it looks like I'm going to gay pride to shoot Cho in SF later this month. My producer and I are already trying to line up dinner reservations. Important things first, you know...

I mean, in case you ever needed to know.

So  I told chrisglass that I wanted to start another blog, a themed blog, mainly for myself really – but not about myself, really – and he recommended Tumblr, so I'm on Tumblr. But he said I could have an RSS feed on here if I had a sponsor, which reminds me of AA, not that there's anything wrong with AA. I mean not that I'm saying that because I need to go and I'm not going, because I don't need to go, not that I'm  saying that because I'm in denial. Because I'm not. I'm great with AA. I mean if you're in AA and want to sponsor my RSS feed then you can talk to me about steps until sunset. Anyways:

http://yumyumhouse.tumblr.com/

It's about happiness.